The Art of Forgiving Ourselves

I couldn't sleep that night. Night felt so cold and my mind seemed out of control. I was staring at the ceiling, wondering what was happening, what was wrong. It's been days and I couldn't figure out what that was and my sleeping pattern was messed up because of that.

And tears started to fall.

My logic told me that crying would not solve the problem, and my logic, being what she was, told me I was fine, maybe it was because I was stressed out. Submissions were coming and we knew that not long after that, I would face the final exams. Trying to be strong, I stopped crying.

But it didn't help.

... And I cried even more.

Flashbacks came and I remembered all things in the past. Scene after scene flashed and the bad thing was they were not the memories that I wanted to remember. Those are the past that I wanted to erase forever, like in computer move it to recycle bin and empty it forever. Unfortunately, our life, body and mind don't work like that because we're not robots.

Those past memories came one after one and didn't stop. They were like saying hi because I forgot them long, telling myself I was okay and it didn't matter anymore, but the fact was I still do.

We often have a picture in our mind how we wanted to be, and I have stuck them into my brain so that whatever I do, I act like how I wanted to be.

I told myself that I was strong, and no one could bring me down.

I told myself that I was smart, I knew which goes to the head and which goes to the heart.

I told myself that I was perfect, I did everything perfectly, systematically, without any flaw.

"Principles, Not Examples"

Source here. Of course, my dorm room would not look like this.

I'm finally back to the twin tower city. Back to mahallah. Back to shawarmas, all nasi goreng, roti canai and teh tarik. After spending 3 months in Indonesia, I'm finally back to the university routine. All subjects are set and I'm ready to give my best, Insha Allah!

The first day of new semester was amazing. I got amazing lecturers, and as usual, to break the ice, they gave us some sort of introduction session and some nasihat session. The first lecturer reminded us how important it is to be alert of the surrounding and to know what is going to happen in the future - being Future Smart and I will give a separate post about this Insha Allah.

Moving on to the third lecture first, because the subject was Investment Analysis, he said that the biggest and the riskiest investment ever made is an investment of a parent to their children. Being a parent himself, he felt that a success of his children is his biggest happiness, that he would do anything for his children, including being apart from them (imagine being apart from your loved ones?). He stayed in KL for Monday to Thursday, and on Thursday afternoon, he would drove back to Ipoh to spend the weekend with the family. Hence he said, "don't disappoint mother and father that have brought you here to study". I almost shed a tear when he said that because disappointing my parents is really something that I don't want to do, and anything related to family always gets me so emotional because I love them so much.

My most highlighted lecture of that day was the second lecture.

Education, Career, Love, or Marriage? - Part I

source

Topik Education, Career, Love or Marriage? ini sangat 'hot' di kalangan pertemanan perempuan, apalagi jika:

• Jenjang usia telah memasuki kategori awal 20-an
• Gelar sarjana sudah di ambang mata/tahun akhir perkuliahan
• (Apalagi jika) telah memiliki pasangan

Obrolan tentang topik ini tidak akan berhenti kecuali dibatasi oleh waktu dan kesibukan, yang nantinya jika datang kesempatan lagi pasti akan kembali dibahas. Tidak hanya tentang rencana yang diinginkan, tapi juga dilema maupun kegalauan akan memilih yang mana, atau kegalauan karena tidak memiliki pilihan apapun. Apakah dilema ini juga dialami oleh para lelaki? Saya pun tidak tahu, karena sering kali topik ini diangkat oleh pihak perempuan.

Postingan kali ini akan saya bagi menjadi dua part agar pembaca paham latar belakang penulisan dan keadaan lingkungan saya pada part pertama, agar tiada pandangan bahwa saya kecentilan, kebelet nikah, dan hanya memikirkan tentang pernikahan saja, dan part kedua tentang isu yang terjadi serta pandangan saya.